24 Mar 2025 Community

A Daughter’s Devotion: How The Kirkwood Helped Me Through the Hardest Time of My Life

For Jackie Carter, the past few years has been a relentless journey and one that has seen some devastating lows. As the only child of Elaine and Victor Carter, Jackie has shouldered the full weight of caring for both of her ageing parents, first through her mother’s battle with cancer, and then her father’s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s disease.

Living over 50 miles away and working part time in Manchester, Jackie has faced immense challenges in navigating the health and social care systems often alone. But through it all, one constant source of compassion and support stood beside her The Kirkwood.

On her mum’s illness, Jackie said: “My Mum, Elaine had multiple myeloma for six years and she sadly collapsed with pneumonia in December 2022 after the cancer advanced to stage five. Mum spent several months in hospital, and I had to discharge her to a nursing home as she had both stage five cancer and was found to have mixed dementia and was often falling.”

Elaine’s sudden deterioration was a painful turning point. It marked the beginning of a period in Jackie’s life filled with uncertainty, fear, and heartbreak. While Jackie navigated hospital discharges and the complex world of dementia care, The Kirkwood’s presence brought some comfort.

Jackie said: “Prior to becoming so ill in December 2022, Mum received counselling from Jo who worked with The Kirkwood during 2022, to help support her with coming to terms with her cancer diagnosis and the increasing pain and discomfort from fractures due to the myeloma.”

Elaine’s relationship with The Kirkwood didn’t end when she entered a nursing home. Jackie was grateful that her mum continued to receive specialist palliative care from professionals who truly understood what she was going through.

“When she was in the nursing home from March 2023 to September 2023, mum was under the care of the nursing staff of The Kirkwood. Mum was cared by Debs Hanson who was a palliative care nurse practitioner with the hospice.”

“I appreciated the support offered to my mum by Debs, I have had no experience of end-of-life care before and I didn't know what to do. Debs was able to visit my mum in her nursing home and support her. This was a big help to me as I don't live in the Kirklees area and was constantly having to travel over to see mum.”

Elaine passed away in September 2023. Her loss left a deep void in Jackie’s life. But just as she began to grieve, another major challenge emerged.

Jackie commented: “I had noticed worrying changes in dad's behaviour because I'd often been staying at his house to help mum. Two weeks after mum's funeral my dad, Victor was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and I am now supporting him to live in his own home in Kirklees as long as he can, by managing his social care, medications and finances.”

Managing her father’s affairs became a full-time responsibility. The tasks were endless and emotionally exhausting, from dealing with solicitors to sorting out finances and arranging daily care.

“When mum died, dad was experiencing memory problems and I had to take on being the executor of mum's will, sorting out carers for my dad and managing his food, medications, shopping and appointments. He had also forgotten the details of their bank savings accounts and I had to sift through the house looking for bank statements to try and piece together managing his finances. I also work part time in Manchester and I have to keep travelling 55 miles each way to see my parents.”

Jackie quickly discovered the complications of cross border care and how different local authorities handle social care. The distance between her home and her father’s created countless logistical and emotional hurdles.

Jackie added: “It is very difficult getting support because social care is based on local council areas and if you don't live in the same local council area to the person that you are caring for it becomes a minefield. I found it very difficult to keep going with my job.”

Eventually, the weight of her responsibilities, compounded by grief, began to take its toll on Jackie’s wellbeing. Recognising the emotional strain she was under, The Kirkwood stepped in once again, this time for her.

“I received counselling support from The Kirkwood: from The Kirkwood in 2024. I was offered counselling from The Kirkwood to help me come to terms with losing mum and coping with my dad's Alzheimer's diagnosis. I started my counselling sessions with Hannah in 2024. I can honestly say that I wouldn't have got through the last year without Hannah's support as I was feeling so overwhelmed.

“I owe so much to Hannah from the counselling team with The Kirkwood. I was absolutely falling apart with trying to cope with both of my parents becoming so ill at the same time and being the only family to support them.

“I found it hard to grieve properly for the loss of my mum because I had so much to cope with trying to unexpectedly take over running every aspect of dad's life. Hannah was able to help me work out ways to move forward and get some of my own life back and have some time to think about mum and the nicer times that we had.”

Looking back, Jackie reflects on how The Kirkwood filled a gap left by traditional services. She praises their willingness to guide families through the emotionally taxing journey of end-of-life care, something she found was sorely lacking from the formal healthcare system.

Jackie said: “It made me feel better knowing The Kirkwood were involved because there was somewhere that I could go to for advice. I was totally shocked by the sudden deterioration of both my parents, and I have no experience of palliative care. The Kirkwood gave me people I could speak to for advice and support when there was very little advice on end of life offered by the NHS when I spoke to mum's cancer team.

“I found the cancer team only focused on chemo treatments and when mum ran out of options for these, I wasn't given any guidance on what to do next, things to expect when someone approached end-of-life. I was very grateful for the support of The Kirkwood.”

Although Jackie doesn’t live in Kirklees, she remains connected to the community through The Kirkwood’s events and services.

“I think The Kirkwood is massively important to the Kirklees community. Even though I don't live in the area I can see how important The Kirkwood is to the community, and I've attended the memorial service online such as Light Up A Life. It is so important for the community to have somewhere to help with people reaching the stage of needing palliative care. I'm sure there are lots of friends and relatives, who are like me, and do not know what to do or what to expect in an end-of-life situation.”

She is passionate about the need for greater government support and awareness around palliative care.

“I think it is appalling that so many hospices, including my local hospice and The Kirkwood are receiving so little support from successive Governments. Social care and palliative care are swept under the carpet because the public don't want to face talking about these things, but everyone needs support at some stage in their life.

“It seems to me that politicians from all parties refuse to have a conversation about the growing requirements for palliative and social care, when we have a growing ageing population in our country. Both my parents were diagnosed with dementia and with over a million people experiencing this condition in Britain, it is a crisis and hospices can play a vital role in helping.”

Jackie now donates to The Kirkwood each month to give back to the service that supported her family: “I have set up monthly donations to The Kirkwood, I don't earn a lot but I try and give something.”

As she continues to care for her father, Jackie remembers her mum with warmth and affection.

“Mum was very friendly and loved having a chat with people. She was a member of Dewsbury Baptist Church, and this was important to her. She was very good at listening to people's problems and a lot of people, including me, miss her so much because she was someone who would listen and offer support. She also liked going for walks. She liked animals. We always had cats as pets. She was renowned for also dressing very smartly and taking great care in her appearance.”

The Kirkwood wants to continue to support people like Jackie, however we need your help to continue to do that. Please think about making a monthly donation like Jackie and become a regular giver, every penny really does make a massive difference. Make a regular donation by clicking the link HERE.